When I was doing my morning round with my bike, as usual, I encounter malicious stares. Smirks, grins, and eyes I’m glad I pass by in swift motion. 

Makes me wonder if I should look them back in the eye, and ask them with my eyes “What are you looking at?”. 

Shouldn’t we know potential threats if they’re within our vicinity? 
It reminds me of the reason why I got into martial arts when I was younger in the first place. 

Today’s round reminded me of those relentless days of biking around the village everyday. It was during my 5th grade. I had a heart full of woes when it comes to thinking about family, slightly jaded and slighly hopeful of love - and I would wonder if there was a love that could be great, that wasn’t pretentious, or so it seems to be what I observed among most couples around me that time. And those were of blood shared with me. 

I’d look over at La Salle Greenhills, thinking, is he thinking of me too? 
I wouldn’t ever acknowledge it out loud to anyone, but I did have feelings for him too. I just kept denying since it didn’t make sense to me to have such at such a tender age, all the more to do anything about it. All those bike rides, using those thoughts as an escape from the terrible feelings I get at home.

 Each round, avoiding the cracks on the pavement. But I find myself bumping through them when I don’t pay attention. Find myself on for a rocky moment if I don’t slow down for the humps. And instead of looking around and enjoying the scene, I end up looking down just about avoiding everything that’s going to make it hard for me. 

Is that the way life should go? I think it ought to be both ways. Looking straight, and letting our periphery judge the parts to avoid. We can never keep ourselves looking down for too long, nor looking up at the sky and letting the sunshine sink into our faces too much. We’ll lose balance and fall. 

Yes, I’ve fallen a hundred times, but I’ll make sure that when I do… I learn from it. And focus on balancing again. Just with bikes, just the same with horses. Just the same with life. 

It felt like a variety show, but it was in the words of the political, the confused and the repressed. 

What a day. 

I had so many thoughts running through my head and so many things to point out, but one has to be careful when it can be quite dangerous if we aren’t tactful enough… 

Today was the day we had the League of College Council Congress - where we discussed the current condition of UP and our nation. Besides this, resolve certain stances regarding different issues, and debate upon how these resolutions are presented. 

Well, I felt like I was at the crossroads. I had spoken my mind, but by doing so, I felt like I was thrusting myself into a world which I am left to be critiqued and possibly ridiculed. But I felt the need to point out the things I found troublesome about the system on how our congress was being conducted, how resolutions are finalized and delivered, and as well asking for forgiveness for our feet had not been dipped so deeply into the raging lake of thought of the other councils.

We knew not completely of what was being discussed simply because we had not been forewarned of what will be in discussion, neither was our bank of knowledge properly fueled for the occasion and I accept that that was to be our fault.

However, the existing reality is that not everyone is completely in the know of these matters and there are a million matters to discuss of the world Filipinos have sculpted! A myriad! By asking us to simply “not object” to certain stands regarding these issues does not mean that we wholeheartedly agree. 

They may have to forgive our uncertainty, and to a certain point I believe they might call irresponsibility as citizens, as leaders. But for me, if we are present, we are willing to listen, and willing to challenge ourselves (we who otherwise, have no passionate interest for politics yet feel the need to represent, to be a voice, and a critical thinker for our college); then it must mean we care. We’d like to take the time for these, to ensure that there is no misrepresentation, that decisions can fully be delivered and created with sincere aplomb. Decisions created in which our college can proudly nod and stand for, as these would enrich our culture and our way of thought. 

 We are trying our best to keep up, to engage our students in these issues and disseminate objectively for they really must have a say… And be given information that is untainted by our very own opinions that theirs may be unbiased and fresh. I just hope they take our assertiveness to be genuine thought for others and not as threats or attacks for we don’t mean such at all. 

But then, so many can be misunderstood in this world. And from misunderstandings, without patience and a willingness to hear and comprehend what is genuinely meant can lead to cracks, division, trenches in the bed of waters we were meant to thrive and walk through hand in hand. 

What a mess this political world is.

I wonder if it’s worth it sometimes; I don’t like how sometimes, it feels like there resides the group of individuals thirsting in living and playing the roles history has imparted to the youth … when these roles? They don’t necessarily have to be played that way. We don’t necessarily have to be puppets. 

The point of being in position, or having a voice I believe is doing things the way we see fit, we see to be better… To be as genuine and efficient. And not embodying systems which seem to make us rise against each other, when we are all there to do something better together. 

Why is it that we always need to think of coming up with the best ideal plan and executing it? The reality is: it is human to err. Why fear making mistakes?

The irony and beauty of people who live fulfilled lives lies in the fact that they are the least equipped people, the least expected, the people who have suffered, the people who make the most mistakes - are the very ones who dare enough  to make things happen, to create.

Never thinking back on the possibilities of failure for they welcome it. Why?

Because it is failure that teaches us something.

It embeds within us an experience that challenges our undertaking of the future.

If we have been able to win every single award, get every single thing we want without failure or dissatisfaction in any sort of way - the fact of the matter is, we won’t be looking for better things, or especially seeking to be the one who got to do that one heck of a challenge right.

 If nothing seems to be stimulating my mind, my emotions, my better being for I cannot seem to motivate myself to do anything that works for myself? Such a waste of life when I think about it…

Why live if we do not intend to live deliberately? To live fully?

That’s my challenge today. Look for the thrill.
Go for what makes you feel all you can, be all you can.

There’s only one chance of life in this world. For all things which can be categorized as failure in my life, no way am I keeping dirty laundry within my own little world.

A world, I plan to design to be a pleasure to be in.

Of failure, go for the kill.

I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night.

I saw that quote from someone’s tumblr.

For me, it would be disturbing if all I were to think at night is the person I’m in love with.

I don’t want my days to revolve around a single person. Let me live my own life, and let him live his own and it just so happens that we love to share it with each other. Our own dreams, aspirations, desires. We wouldn’t need each other at all. We wouldn’t be obsessed with each other either. We’d be obsessed with living life to the fullest, and thankful we found each other to share our experiences with. 

What adventures we will take on, together.

And that very last word, will make the difference in a life selfishly lead.

Thinking 
Seeing again
I loved every inch
Of his body
His skin
His scent
Every groove and turn and fold
No matter the dirt
The roughness our love brought
Caged, senseless fight, what struggle
I’d kiss it all until it became
Nothing but mine
A piece of the world
So beautiful
So beloved

And he was mine. 

Most of the time, I think we may make decisions way before the decision presents itself to us in present. 

What’s beautiful is that somehow, we knew all along - this is what I want. We feel the connection, the way things just fall into place (most of the time), and if there’s something wrong? Pray. Everything will be alright.

Everything and everyone who comes my way, in some way - I have lead them to do so. Those little actions I take that bring me closer to a goal, or place or a person. So then I’ve been making tid bits of a big decision, that I’ll recognize fully or completely when the situations sits squarely in front of my face, and I wouldn’t even have to think anymore what to do or what to pick or how to think or how to act. I’ll just be, and it will work out.

Because in those precise moments, everything I have become lead me into something magical. And all I can possibly be is thankful that at that moment, the entire universe brought to me what my heart secretly desired and knew would be good for me.

I think it already knew, it always knew before my mind could ever think it right, or possible.

And all that’s left is the hoping, that such a moment isn’t limited to be in itself amazing, but be something enduring. Something of fight in itself to grow into something Great. Something wise, maybe something timeless, a memory the world will hold dearly to its bosom. For something so simple, so trivial, can be the most wonderful beautiful thing in the world before it even knew how to be so.

If all might think I am unprepared, unworthy, or not enough, perhaps in the eyes of men, even in my skeptical eyes, I am. 

But in the eyes of the stars, They that shine so brightly for me…
I’m all the opportunity needs to make things work out, to turn into something golden. To be my own self, is enough - because in my heart, I always knew.

Words hiding in the great unknown,
Thinking now, thinking time, alone
Somebody’s waiting, waiting shown.

To give you your sweet time, 
And miss you more, this miss I hide
Oneself, now busy, lonely sometimes
Of me, I sighed never you mind
I apologize for that whispered lie.

For how unlikely a surprise -
A crouch, a kneel-down
No apparent disguise;
Just honest words,
Honest eyes.

A mind can cloud
Yet the heart’s choice abiding
If you don’t come around
Passing moments shared, entwining 
Thoughts you might have loved to know
Thankful, for having lived through
A wafted sweet light overtone

Seconds cherished
Yet love unknown.

& though blurry be the lines that mean to
Speak now truth, or to entice
I loved simply, just by looking into
Somebody, somebody’s eyes. 

If life is about the people we meet and the things we create with them, what of the relationships that break? 

Do we mean for them to break at a certain point, even just in a tiny minuscule portion of a thought of a former loved one? 

We shouldn’t just doubt or think or question then - that way, if by instinct you know it works out then it just will. 

In a sense, the instinct becomes an underlying feeling of trust in that person and all one can hope and pray for is that it’s shared.

Do you know that game wherein you’re in a group and you start with, “Once upon a time … . “, complete that one sentence and it’s up to the person next to continue it. It’s just exactly that - a relationship. 

If it’ll last then it’s something none will tire of ever creating, retelling and telling. The minute we cannot bother ourselves to think on how things will be, becomes the minute it breaks. 

And the story’s all gone.